Now if you read Mr. Zappulla’s post here, you should be familiar with that saying, “Friendship is like pissing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it’s true warmth,” but let me just tell you, not everyone actually will see you when you pee your pants and there is nothing nice about urine’s warmth dripping down your legs. NOTHING.
OK, I guess I should backtrack a bit. This past July, I got a message from a friend of a friend asking whether or not I’d be in DC the weekend of the 20th , since he would be there for work. I had met this friend of a friend a couple of times, but honestly we were just friends of friends. Nonetheless, he’s adorable and I love visitors, so I was pretty excited that he wanted to hang out while he was in town.
The day he got into the city, we met up near his hotel and walked around the monuments and a few neighborhoods before basically going on a date to un petit restaurant francais. There were no awkward pauses, and he genuinely seemed like a cool guy. The next day, we went out to dinner again, and then met up with one of my friends at a bar. This friend ended up leaving early, so yet again it was just the two of us chatting away basically on a date.
As a true gentleman, he decided to walk me home after our excursions. As we were leaving the bar, I realized I needed to pee, but I figured “eh I live ten minutes away, I’ll just wait until I get home.” Note: NEVER DO THIS EVER. So, we’re walking the short bit home, still chatting, pretty much falling in love, but all the while, I’m realizing more and more that I need to pee. By the time we finally reach my front door, I feel as though I had had tons more than my 2 drinks. It was like I had been chugging water non-stop for the past 4 hours. Mr. Friend of a Friend starts to thank me for showing him around and to let me know he had a great time hanging out with me, and right when I think there’s even a semblance of a possibility that he would kiss me goodbye, I start to pee just ever so slightly. So like any cool, sane person would, I yell “OK COOL I’M ABOUT TO PEE MY PANTS SO BYE.” I pivot and run to my front door, fumbling for my keys, with this friend of a friend wandering away slightly confused, when all of a sudden, I lose control completely and just pee in my front yard.
Now if you have never peed your pants before, just know that it is not comfortable in any sense of the word. It is probably the furthest away from comfort I have ever felt, and I wouldn’t wish this feeling on most. You see, there may have been an untreated medical condition that was the cause of it, so no judgment please. However it may have also just been because some higher power likes to see me in uncomfortable situations, but that’s another matter. Nonetheless, it had happened. Urine was dripping down my legs hitting the concrete, and out of my surprise from what had just happened, I logically thought that this friend of a friend could hear me peeing even though he was at the end of my street. So clearly, to make it less awkward I just needed to acknowledge the situation. Genius thinking, Bella, just genius. So as pee is still flowing down, I scream out, “OH MY GOD *FRIEND OF A FRIEND’S NAME* I JUST PEED MY PANTS!.” He turns around, stunned, and yells, “What? Are you serious?” and then just laughs until he’s out of earshot. He had no clue that had happened until I told him and the various other strangers on my street.
After quickly contemplating fleeing to Columbia to begin a new life under the name Selena de la Rosa Jimenez, I ran inside my house, went straight to my bathroom and showered off. Immediately, once I was cleaned up, I texted this person threatening murder unless he swore himself to secrecy for the rest of his life, and to this day he has not told a soul.
As a matter of fact, we began dating for real as soon as we were both back in Boston. So the moral of the story is that, ladies, in order to get a guy to date you, simply mark your territory by peeing on or near him.
*The successful outcome of dating this friend of a friend takes away 0% of the utter embarrassment I have been scarred with.