Valentine’s Day: A Breakup Story

Lauren Kester

Guest Contributor


On a Valentine’s Day a few years ago, my boyfriend and I met for a lovely brunch. We exchanged gifts (I got him tickets to see a favorite stand up comedian, he got me a necklace from a boutique jewelry shop.) Two days later, in a part of Bushwick I had never been to, he drunkenly broke up with me. He said, “I am 24 years old and I shouldn’t have to control my libido. I should be able to have sex whenever and wherever I want.” Whenever he wants! He is a man and he has a penis and it deserves to be in a woman at any time or place he chooses. That was his decree.

The breakup was of course, for the best. I (and all of you) deserve much more respect than that, and as it turns out, there are men out there in the world who are more than happy to give it. I have grown tremendously over the past two years and am (generally) a very happy person. Unfortunately, for the time being, I still associate Valentine’s day with being made to feel incredibly small outside of a bodega that still sold FourLoko.

A few months ago, I saw said ex-boyfriend at a party. I gave him a hug. I introduced him to my boyfriend. I wasn’t angry or sad or resentful, but I still was faced with the memory of how someone who I trusted and shared many emotionally intimate moments with reduced me to a sex object.

You know that scene from the cinema classic Ever After when Drew Barrymore tells her evil step-mother and step sisters, “I will forget you after this moment and never think of you again.” She says it with such passion and confidence that you have no choice but to believe her! I wish I could say that this situation is totally like that. To boldly say, “I will forget you after this moment and never think of you again, especially around Valentine’s Day or literally any other day because you might as well not exist for me after this moment.” (Please note that he doesn’t exist to me most of the time, honest.)


I still haven’t reached Drew Barrymore levels of self-realization, so this time of year I still remember the pain those hurtful (albeit horrible) words brought me. But mostly I remember how I should have kept that stupid necklace he bought me for Valentine’s Day instead of giving it back to him in some sort of breakup act of martyrdom.

With that closing thought I leave you with:

5 Useful Things to do With That Necklace Your Boyfriend Bought you for Valentine’s Day Before he Dumped You Two Days Later

  1. Charter a boat into the middle of the Ocean and re-create end of Titanic by dramatically throwing the necklace into the water. Just because he was a jerk doesn’t mean you can’t get some solid acting practice out of it.
  2. Melt the necklace down and forge it into a sword that you can use to fight off mortal enemies. You didn’t go to blacksmithing school for nothing.
  3. Sell it back to the fancy jewelry store and use the money to buy yourself something you absolutely do not need but definitely want, such as a new party dress, a trip to Spa Castle, or a 20,000 piece puzzle you will never finish. This is free money! Spend it recklessly.
  4. Wear it. It’s kind of ugly and the chain is an odd length, but he doesn’t have any power over your emotional well being, so you might as well get some use out of it.
  5. Strongly consider option #1, it would be really fun.

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