Early Signs Of Hella Depression

Editor’s Post



Here are some signs that you are probably going to grow up to be a depressed a person.

  • When I was 14 I had an assignment where I had to write out what an ideal day of my future life would be if it turned out exactly like I wanted it to. I earnestly wrote that my idea of an absolutely perfect day would be waking up in a large home in upstate New York where I lived alone. I would sleep in, drink some coffee and watch TV, and then go back to sleep. I would wake up in time to get into a beautiful gown and be driven down to the city to see Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. I would be driven back home and eat a delicious dinner of chicken parmesan by myself while watching Conan, and then go to bed. This is what a 14-year-old girl said was her ultimate dream life. 
  • After a bad day at school in 3rd grade I tearfully sat at my computer and typed out a ‘screenplay’ about the girls at school who had been mean to me. I tried to format it like a ‘script’ in Microsoft Word the best my 9-year-old brain could figure out. The only details I remember are that the opening scene was at a big party and that the intro shot of my character was set to the Sixpence None The Richer version of “There She Goes”.
  • In 7th grade drama class we were split into groups to write our own little one-acts and I demanded that my group’s play be the one BRAVE ENOUGH to be about real shit. We wrote it about a kid dying in the school bathroom from pills.
  • Before I could drive in high school I would listen to Stephen Colbert’s 2005 NPR Fresh Air interview on loop on the bus rides to school in the morning.

Hope you can still see your computer screen! You know, because of all the red flags flying in your face.

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