Guest Submission: Stella J

By Stella J
I hated the first college I attended and transferred as soon as I could. Obviously it wasn’t soon enough.
Freshman orientation began in late August, and by September 1st it seemed like everyone had already found their own fully-formed cliques. While I was still attending the wrong classes and getting lost in my own dorm, everyone else already had their friendships, hookups, and drama in full swing. How had I fallen so far behind so quickly? After all, I moved in on the same day as everyone else. How was I the only one who didn’t know where to get beer or how to join a club?
By the start of spring semester, I still had no idea how to find the parties. I hadn’t made an impression on any of my teachers so I had no one to write me a letter of recommendation. I lost the Netflix DVD I’d gotten in the mail therefore was left with only streaming content (which, in 2010, was utter garbage). And I still had no idea how to turn my fellow students into friends.
I ended up transferring for junior year…and had all the same problems at my next school. Sorry, college—it’s not you, it’s me.
10 TIMES I TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS IN COLLEGE 
1. For a while I was friends with A___, but then his girlfriend transferred to our school. Despite the fact that our relationship was totally platonic, she told him to stop hanging out with me, and he never spoke to me again.
2. For a while I was friends with J___, but one day he told me he just wanted to hook up. I told him politely I wasn’t interested and he never spoke to me again.
3. For a while I was friends with F___, but one day I made his mom literally cry because I said I personally wasn’t intending on being a stay-at-home mom, which she took as an attack on her life choices. He never spoke to me again.
4. For a while I was friends with B___, but one day I was giving him a ride to class on the handlebars of my bicycle and he jumped off without warning me. I fell hard, and the road burn all over my shins and elbows resulted in an infection (requiring a course of antibiotics) and several large scars. Out of guilt, he never spoke to me again.
5. I tried to be friends with M___. He invited me to a concert but then ignored me the whole time. The next time, he invited me to his apartment and made me martinis. The day after that, he texted me that he and his roommate thought I was creepy and that he’d like if I left him alone.
6. I tried to be friends with T___. The first time we hung out alone he showed me (unsolicited) photos and videos of him and his girlfriend having sex, and said he wished he was bisexual so he could have more sex partners. I never spoke to him again.
7. I tried to be friends with L___. One time I showed up to a party she was throwing and no one was there. I found out later that when she heard I was coming, she instructed everyone else to hide until I went away.
8. I tried to make friends by joining the crew team, but the starboard rowers and the port rowers all hated each other and I got caught in the middle of the drama.
9. I tried to make friends by joining the rugby team, but they never invited me to go out drinking. I found out later that they all hated me because they “always had to have a team scapegoat.”
10. I tried to make friends by joining the squash team, but the few people interested in trying squash rarely ever showed up to practice. Despite the fact that I was the only person who consistently participated, not even the coach ever remembered my name.
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